The Dark Reason I had to get off birth control

I originally wrote this back in March of 2019, but I’ve postponed it multiple times due to my shame. If you’re not in the mood to read something pretty dark, I suggest you move along to a different, more upbeat blog post. I have plenty!

Still here? Ok, let’s dive into this. 

I got on birth control in 2013-2014 and was completely fine. I was living in heaven because let’s be honest, condoms suck, and when you’re ready to go, nobody wants to waste time with the “get a condom” talk, am I right?? I didn’t gain weight or have any crazy side effects besides my mood swings being a little crazier than before during that time of the month. 

My boyfriend (at the time, now my fiancé) would know exactly when I was going to get my period. He was the period whisperer. Anyways, so lets fast forward to 2018. My period was super irregular, and I shared that information with my gynecologist. She recommended a higher dose of birth control to help regulate it. 

Crying for no reason

It was around two months in that I started to feel super emotional for no reason. It was minor at first; I’d cry over something so small that usually wouldn’t make me cry. Then it escalated to me, balling my eyes out for no fucking reason! I’m not joking. I’ll be riding in the car with Tyler, and all of a sudden, I’ll be a huge mess. He’d ask what’s wrong, and sometimes I’d laugh and say I don’t know, I feel so weird that I have to cry. 

Driving my car off the freeway ramp

3-months into my new birth control, I got a wave of depression, horrible mood swings, and at one point, no will to live. I remember driving sometimes and thinking about driving off the freeway ramp. I remember thinking to myself that this could end it all. I wouldn’t have to worry about anything and just be done with it. At another point, I would fall asleep thinking to myself; if I die in my sleep, I’m ok with that. I was at my worst a week before my period and during my period. After my period, I was back to “normal,” and I would laugh, thinking how fucked up those thoughts were. Thinking to myself, what the heck is wrong with me? I thought it was just a weird phase.

Then it happened again and again for months, and it started affecting Tyler and me. I was a huge bitch and depressed for basically two weeks out of the month, so clearly not a good thing in a relationship. 

I would go through a list in my head and realize I had nothing to be depressed about. I have an amazing person who loves me so much. We have a wonderful fortunate life. My family is alive and well. Nothing in my life is wrong, and I felt very guilty feeling this way.

Seeking help.

Tyler had mentioned that I should get off birth control for a long time, but I feared getting pregnant, and once again, I’m not too fond of condoms, so I didn’t listen. Then I finally told Tyler about my not caring about living thoughts, and he immediately told me to get off birth control. I finally listened. I stopped taking the pill the very next day. 

Night and day results

I stopped cold turkey. I needed it too. My life felt like it was just spinning out of control in my mind. What happened once I stopped? It was like someone ripped a band-aid off of me. I kid you not; I felt 100x better. Maybe it was all mental at first, but I just knew it felt like a massive weight off my entire being.

Living life without birth control

I must say it was one of the best decisions in my life. I haven’t felt that wave of depression, and I can finally feel like myself 99%. It was a terrifying moment in my life, and for a while, I just kept blaming everyone and everything when, in reality, that wasn’t the case. 

I still have “regular” mood swings during that time of the month but nothing serious, just the typical stuff. 

Ok, I think this has gone long enough. Thank you for hearing me out, and if you need any help or someone to talk to, reach out to someone, you can even reach out to me if you want. Never feel you are not worthy and remember that the problems you’re going through and having are not forever. Things will get better.

I do know my situation is so minuscule compared to others who have way deeper problems. I still wanted to share my story and hope anyone out there doesn’t ever feel alone. In a world where we can all be connected, there is no reason to feel disconnected.